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The moon is full, and brighter tonight than I've seen it in a long, long time. I've got things to do in the morning - work and classes - but I find it hard to believe that people would willingly sleep through something so beautiful as a night like this.
It's a magical world out here. The air is just crisp enough to catch sight of your breath, and the whole earth is painted in silver light. Quiet, and empty, and absolutely perfect....almost perfect. Perfect has to have her here with me. I see her in my minds eye though, her skin glowing in the soft light cast by the moon, her eyes alight at how peaceful the world is, and how full of adventure life is.
I'm not going to be sleeping tonight. Instead, I'll hop in the truck, drive to the beach and swim. Swimming in a sea painted silver? How do people sleep through nights like these? Why do they?
....maybe they sleep for the same reasons I don't.
~J
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....I should be sleeping.
I'm supposed to run a race in the morning. 13 miles and change. I need to sleep. Instead, I stare at the ceiling in this room 1,000 miles from my home.
My hotel room is....palatial. I haven't been in a room like this in almost five years - marble shower, hot tub, separate kitchen and bedroom, bar and office. It's like a little apartment, only with more expensive rugs and nicer kitchen appliances. I have a nice balcony with a decent view, as well.
I walked around Greenville today, for the first time since Tabby died. Her park is still here, with the big cable-hung bridge going over a gorge and waterfall - I can't remember the name of the park, but the bridge is Liberty Bridge ("it's famous", she told me when I first came here with her). There are some new buildings around it I don't care for, but when you're down in the gorge....it's the same. I could see her sitting in the miniature amphitheater with a younger version of myself, surrounded by the green grass and tall trees, flowers everywhere, the sound of water on stone filling the air.
I wanted to show Angela this place....but I had forgotten about it. Like so many other things, I pushed it aside for things "more important", and now it's too late.
You'd think me of all people should have learned how precious time is....but you can get used to anything.
Empty hotel rooms, I can get used to. Endlessly long drives without you sleeping with your head on my leg, I can handle. Day after day, running alone, always turning to see your smile, and then remembering you're not there....that wrecks me a little, but I'll survive.
I can take your silence, even while it drowns out everything else....even while I feel like it's drowning me.
But I can take it.
I just miss you.
~J
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.....hello.
There seems to be a new sharpness to having a heartbeat - as if with each beat a pin pricks just a little, to remind me what's waiting for me when I go to sleep.
I'm not sure if I'm back....probably not. I'm not sure if I'm lacking an outlet, or if I'm choosing to ignore the outlets I have in favor of this faceless one.
~J
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